Jupiter Ascending Review

Jupiter Ascending Review

**********Warning the following article may contain spoilers. You have been Warned!*******************


Jupiter Jones was born under a night sky, with signs predicting that she was destined for great things. Now grown, Jupiter dreams of the stars but wakes up to the cold reality of a job cleaning toilets and an endless run of bad breaks. Only when Caine, a genetically engineered ex-military hunter, arrives on Earth to track her down does Jupiter begin to glimpse the fate that has been waiting for her all along – her genetic signature marks her as next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.

My Thoughts:

I know I put the warning at the top but I am going to say it again in more certain terms. I will probably be spoiling things about the movie in my review below.

I went into this movie looking for something that would be entertaining and occupy my mind for the 2 hours and 7 minutes that this movie runs. Sadly that did not happen. I know we are in that January to April time frame where most of the movies we are going to see are not going to be great but if we are lucky we might get ok to good movies.

One of the major fails for me is the story, we are told at the beginning of how Jupiter Jones’s (Mila Kunis) parents meet and all the time you are wondering which one of them is going to be the alien that passes on the royal genes to Jupiter but we come to find out that none of that matters because none of her parents are really aliens and that the reason that she is considered some royal alien is that some sort of genetic hocuspocus has happened and she is the reincarnated  Matron Abrasax. Who along with her three kids run a very large processing company that supplies the Universe with product that helps them maintain their youth.

So in another miracle the Abrasax family have monitors on all the planets that they administer so that way if this genetic reincarnation does happen they can find it. And of course since they are all money grabbing power hunger people instead of embracing the newly found reincarnated royal they instead try to kill her or manipulate her. And Jupiter keeps falling for this every time she meets another Abrasax. I guess Jupiter didn’t remember the saying “Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me…”.

Then we get Caine (Channing Tatum) this legendary Legionaire Hunter that got kicked out for murdering an Entitled. We are never told why he commited this act all we are given is that since he is a splice between human and wolf that it was in his nature. So we get a really lame excuse that really has no bearing on the on going story whatsoever. But he is a legendary fighter armed with gravity boots and a energy shield he takes on all comers and only every gets a scratch. I mean some of the fight scenes were good and well choreographed but Caine seriously is one unstoppable force which just becomes so over the top you are watching the screen going “come on, really?!”. It does give the girls some eye candy though until later this year when the ladies will get Magic Mike XXL.

And then poor poor Eddie Redmayne who plays Balem Abrasax. After coming off The Theory of Everything and then seeing him in this generic bad guy role you are like really Eddie? How did they get you into this role. And yes I realize with the delay of this movie he shot this movie before the other one. But Balem speaks in so soft a voice for most of the movie that if you are not paying close attention you will miss some of the things he says. And really all we get are these one dimensional  characters that really have no depth to them, Balem is all about the money, Titus (Douglas Booth) is all about enjoying the pleasures in life and Kalique Abrasax (Tuppence Middleton) is all about staying young.

In the end Jupiter doesn’t really change anything. Two out of three of the Abrasax siblings are still out there running the planets the way they were running Earth prepping them for use. As well as the other Families they tell us are out there doing the same thing. The only thing Jupiter does is save Earth but pretty much says screw the rest of the Universe they are on their own.

I will admit the cinematography is really great and have some great open and beautiful scenes. And the biggest spoiler of all is that Sean Bean survives the whole movie!

My Recommendation:

Rent It.

Movie Info:

Release Date:

6 February 2015


PG – 13

Run Time:

127 min


Andy and Lana Wachowski


Andy and Lana Wachowski


Eddie Redmayne, Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, James D’Arcy, Sean Bean, Douglas, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Tuppence Middleton, Terry Gilliam, Charlotte Beaumont, Maria Doyle Kennedy, Doona Bae, Christina Cole, Jo Osmond

4 thoughts on “Jupiter Ascending Review

  1. We were already wary of this movie given the February-ness of it all. I was really hoping it would be good, but alas….

    Looking back, isn’t it amazing that The LEGO Movie from last year was a February movie? That cast, that concept, a February release…it seemed for sure like it would be terrible, but ended up somehow being great. If only Hollywood could be bothered to, you know, try more often.

    • I think most of Hollywood still looks at the months of January to April as the time frame to throw out stuff they hope will be good but really have no faith to put in the Summer Blockbuster line up. We do get the rare gems that will shine through though such as the Lego movie. Look at James Cameron he knows when to put his movies out there to get the bigger box office return.

  2. I saw this movie this weekend. I agree with you the story wasn’t that good. It felt like they were lazy and just making stuff up as they went along.
    When I saw Channing Tatum’s character make his first appearance in the movie I thought he looked like Star Lord. You know with the hover boots and the long leather jacket and the small arm side pistols. We interrupt Jupiter Ascending to bring you a discount Guardians of the Galaxy. My wife even thought that a shirtless Channing Tatum wouldn’t save this movie. But she said she appreciated the effort on the part of the film makers.

    And how many times is Mila Kunis going to need rescuing? Why do we have to see the same thing over and over.
    We also get the main villain falling to his death. Where have I seen that before? Return of the Jedi, Die Hard, Golden Eye, and every movie ever made.

    At least Sean Bean’s character lived. I was kind of worried they’d kill him off.

    • Yes I think the Wachowski’s fell for the “Oh Look! Shiny!” Don’t get me wrong I think the Universe they created was beautiful and seemed like they had a lot going on and there are probably a million other stories you could stick into it that would be 100 times better than what we got. The Mila Kunis storyline was just so full of holes and in the end did not really make an impact on the Universe at large. Great she now has a intergalactic boyfriend, there are still planets out there being harvested.

      I was so sadden when I saw Eddie Redmayne playing this part. Maybe if I had seen this movie before The Theory of Everything that wouldn’t have been the case but my god they seemed to throw every bad guy cliche his way and told him to roll with it.

      I try to think of a movie the Wachowski’s have made since Matrix that I liked but there isn’t very much they have done that I liked.

Leave a Reply to darthshep Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s